As I end this series, I hope I was able to give just one person a word, a tool, a technique to help their children succeed in world. As you and your children make the right decision to join in a non-violent, yet strategic fight for equality, do it on purpose. Love you all.
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I hate to break the news, but at some point your role as a parent will drastically change, if it hasn't already. You'll become less of a dictator and more of a consultant. Don't worry, your title won't change and you will probably communicate and interact the same way. WHAT WILL CHANGE is how your child receives you.
Ever wonder why your teenage son suddenly stop talking and doesn't listen to you anymore? Ever wonder why your teenage daughter is louder than ever and determined to do what she wants to regardless of what you say?
I believe we get this outcome because, as parents, we fail to recognize the shift in our children until it's too late. As your kids get older, you fail to understand their growth as people. Let's agree that you are not perfect and you are not right all the time. Your kids won't be either, but you have got to give them the room to grow. You must give them permission to think differently. Try to understand where your child's perspective is coming from. Have you taken a pause to think about what he or she might be going through, which can be so different than what you went through?; it may be too hard to comprehend. At a certain age, your kids shut down when they realize don't hear them. They shut down when you continue to dictate instead of listening to them. They stop talking when they sense you don't understand it from their perspective. They simply stop trying. It's no different than what you did as a child. If we are honest, we just wanted to be heard and still do.
As my children reach 16, 17 and 18 years of age, it is of the utmost importance that they receive me a certain way. I need them to respect me. I need them to know that my advice is worthy, even if they ultimately choose their own direction. I need them to trust that I have their best interests at heart, even when it doesn't feel that way. When my son and daughter are face to face with hard situations, I need their first thought to be --I want to ask my parents for their advice and guidance. I need them to receive me this way.
Why do I need this? Because I am that parent who knows that when I become an empty nester, I'll find peace in knowing that the relationship I have with my children can't be easily shaken and the communication stream between us is not easily broken. I believe that a genuine connection and ability to communicate with your children become even more important after they leave home. Not having that means you loose track of them. You wake up one day and you don't even know who your kids are anymore. That terrifies me.
No, I am not becoming the parent that acts like a friend to her children because my kids need someone who's strong, admirable and demands respect. No, I will not accept and deal with things that I shouldn't have to because I deserve better. No, I can not allow them to take advantage of me because I've worked too hard. And no, It won't be an "anything goes" relationship because I have boundaries. But, it will be a relationship built on a solid foundation of love, trust, and respect to the point where I hope my children feel safe and blessed to have me to reach out to. I hope they are not afraid to engage with me on uncomfortable and embarrassing situations. I hope they know that I only want the best for them and will not lead them astray.
When your kids stop communicating, remember that they didn't stop communicating --they just stop communicating with you. When this happens, their influencers become others that may not love them as much as you do. Sometimes, you may have to show up in a way that calls for you to see your kids as people with thoughts and opinions, putting yourself in their shoes. No, doing this won't mean you let your kid win. But, it will mean you've traded in one moment in time, in return for hundreds of beautiful moments in the future. You and your kids will began to trust each other and propel your relationship to the next level.
Simply put, the greatest assets you will ever have with older kids into adulthood will be a strong relationship and the wholesome exchange of communication. So, it's best to keep these two things active and in tact. They will need you just like you will need them.
Tools & Tips
When you ask your teenager why something happened or why they feel a certain way, typically their first response is NOT the real reason. Listen to my interview with Awaken Atlanta to discover the 5 WHYs technique to learn how to uncover the true reason!
I hope you have enjoyed this series of Leading Your Kids Into Purpose: 6 Unconventional Lessons To Prepare Your Kids For Purpose. On today, May 31, 2020, when you turn on the news or open your social media apps, you are flooded with protests, riots, racism, and injustices. Your children need these lessons. I hope I was able to give you something to help you as you continue to guide your children through this world ON PURPOSE.
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